Things I Can Control: How Focusing on What You Can Control Can Reduce Stress
There are times in life when your mind seems determined to solve something that isn’t entirely yours to solve.
Maybe you’re waiting for someone to make a decision.
You’re wondering what another person thinks about you.
You’re worried about what will happen at work.
You’re trying to figure out whether a relationship is going to work.
Or perhaps something important is uncertain, and your mind keeps running through every possible outcome, hoping that if you think about it long enough, you’ll finally feel prepared.
When life feels uncertain, it can help to stop and ask:
What are the things I can control right now?
That question sounds simple, but the answer can change where you place an enormous amount of emotional energy.
At Animal Assisted Counseling of Indiana, our client-centered approach isn’t about telling someone to “just let go” or stop worrying about things outside their control. If something matters deeply to you, of course you may want to influence how it turns out.
Often, underneath our desire for control is something very human: we want to feel safe, prepared, secure, valued, understood, or certain about what happens next.
The goal isn’t to stop caring.
It’s learning to recognize what belongs to you—and what doesn’t.
What Are the Things I Can Control?
When you’re overwhelmed and wondering what can I control, start with what is actually yours.
Some of the things I can control include:
- How I respond to a situation
- The words I choose
- The boundaries I set
- Whether I communicate what I need
- Where I place my attention
- The effort I choose to give
- Whether I ask for help
- How I care for myself
- What I choose to participate in
- What I do next
There is an important distinction here.
You cannot always control how you feel.
You can’t necessarily decide, “I’m not going to be anxious anymore,” and make anxiety disappear.
You may not be able to stop yourself from initially feeling hurt, angry, disappointed, afraid, or overwhelmed.
Emotions aren’t switches we turn on and off.
What you can begin to influence is how you respond to those feelings.
You can notice them.
You can become curious about them.
You can decide whether you want to act immediately or give yourself time.
And you can choose what you do next.
What Can't I Control?
Sometimes identifying things outside your control is just as important as identifying what belongs to you.
You cannot fully control:
- What another person thinks about you
- Someone else’s feelings
- Other people’s decisions
- How someone responds to your boundaries
- Whether someone understands you
- Whether another person appreciates your effort
- The past
- Unexpected changes
- Every outcome
- Everything that happens in the future
This can be particularly difficult in relationships.
You can communicate honestly.
You can tell someone what you need.
You can show someone that you care.
You can invest time and effort into a relationship.
But you cannot control whether another person responds with the love, appreciation, commitment, or understanding you hoped to receive.
That’s a painful distinction sometimes.
It is also an important one.
Recognizing what isn’t within your control doesn’t mean that what you wanted didn’t matter.
Why Do We Try to Control Things We Can't Control?
If you find yourself struggling with control, it can be tempting to criticize yourself.
“Why can’t I just let this go?”
“Why am I still thinking about this?”
“I know I can’t control it, so why am I worrying?”
But wanting control doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a controlling person.
Sometimes trying to control an outcome is an attempt to reduce uncertainty.
Uncertainty can feel uncomfortable because we don’t know what’s coming next.
If we can predict what will happen, we may imagine we’ll be able to prepare for it.
If we can get another person to respond differently, perhaps we won’t be hurt.
If we analyze a situation enough, maybe we won’t make the wrong decision.
If we work harder, perhaps everything will turn out the way we hoped.
Control can create a temporary feeling of safety.
But when the outcome isn’t actually ours to determine, trying harder and harder to control it can eventually leave us feeling more anxious rather than less.
The American Psychological Association’s resources on stress offer additional information about stress and its effects on emotional and physical well-being.
How Trying to Control Everything Can Increase Stress
There’s an exhausting paradox to control.
The more energy we invest in trying to manage something we can’t actually control, the less energy we may have for the things we can control.
Your thoughts may start circling:
“What if this doesn’t work?”
“What are they thinking?”
“Why haven’t they responded?”
“What should I have done differently?”
“What if I make the wrong decision?”
“How can I make this turn out the way I want?”
Eventually, you may be having the same mental conversation repeatedly without reaching a different answer.
That’s where control can overlap with anxiety, rumination, and overthinking.
If you notice that your mind becomes especially active when things feel uncertain, AACI’s Mental Health Resources can help you explore additional information about anxiety, stress, emotional wellness, and coping.
You can also learn more about mental health and anxiety through the National Institute of Mental Health.
Ask Yourself: What Can I Control Right Now?
When something feels overwhelming, you don’t have to solve the entire situation.
Try slowing the question down.
Instead of:
“How do I make this turn out okay?”
Ask yourself:
What is happening right now?
What part of this is within my control?
What part isn’t mine to control?
What do I need right now?
What is one choice I can make next?
Suppose you’re waiting to hear whether you got a job.
You can’t control the employer’s decision.
But you can control whether you follow up appropriately, continue exploring other opportunities, care for yourself while waiting, and remind yourself that one person’s decision doesn’t determine your value.
Or perhaps you’re struggling in a relationship.
You can’t control another person’s willingness to communicate.
But you can decide what you communicate, what behavior you will accept, what boundaries you need, and how you will respond.
Sometimes the next helpful step is enough.
Focusing on What You Can Control Doesn't Mean You Don't Care
This is an important distinction because letting go of control can sometimes feel like giving up.
It isn’t.
You can care deeply about someone without controlling their choices.
You can care about your work without controlling everyone’s opinion of you.
You can care about your future without knowing exactly what it will look like.
You can care about a relationship without taking responsibility for both people’s actions.
You can love someone and still recognize that their choices belong to them.
Releasing responsibility for an outcome doesn’t erase your feelings about it.
Instead, it can help you place your energy where it has a chance to make a difference.
Things I Can Control Include My Boundaries
Boundaries are a particularly important part of understanding what you can control.
A boundary isn’t a way to force another person to behave differently.
It’s a way of identifying what you will do.
For example:
“You need to stop speaking to me that way” attempts to control another person’s behavior.
A boundary might sound more like:
“If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I’m going to step away and we can try again later.”
The other person still gets to make their choice.
And you get to make yours.
That distinction can be empowering because your emotional well-being no longer depends entirely on someone else doing what you hope they’ll do.
Things I Can Control Include How I Treat Myself
When life doesn’t go according to plan, many of us turn our frustration inward.
“I should have known.”
“I should have handled that better.”
“I shouldn’t be this upset.”
“Why can’t I get over this?”
But among the things I can control is how I choose to speak to myself during a difficult experience.
Instead of:
“I should have handled this better.”
Try:
“This is difficult. What do I need to help myself through it?”
That’s not pretending everything is wonderful.
It’s self-compassion.
The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley offers additional information about self-compassion and its role in emotional well-being.
Sometimes the voice we most need to soften isn’t someone else’s.
It’s our own.
Knowing What's Outside Your Control Doesn't Always Make It Easy
You may understand everything in this article intellectually and still struggle emotionally.
That’s normal.
You can know:
“I can’t control what happens.”
And still desperately wish you could.
You can know:
“I can’t control another person’s choices.”
And still feel hurt by them.
You can know:
“Worrying won’t change the outcome.”
And still find yourself awake at 2:00 a.m. thinking about it.
Knowing something is outside your control and feeling comfortable with that reality are two very different things.
This is where deeper emotional work may be helpful.
Can Counseling Help When It's Hard to Let Go of Control?
Counseling can provide space to explore what’s underneath the need for certainty.
Maybe uncertainty triggers anxiety.
Perhaps you’ve learned to take responsibility for other people’s emotions.
Maybe you worry that setting boundaries will cause someone to reject you.
Perhaps being prepared has helped you feel safe during other periods of your life.
Or maybe you’ve spent years measuring your worth by how much you can accomplish, fix, manage, or do for everyone else.
Understanding those patterns doesn’t mean blaming yourself for them.
It means becoming more aware of what drives them so you can decide whether they still serve you.
At Animal Assisted Counseling of Indiana, our client-centered approach focuses on helping you explore your experiences, emotions, relationships, and choices without telling you what your life is supposed to look like.
Animal assisted therapy may also be incorporated when appropriate. Sometimes having the quiet presence of an animal nearby can make it a little easier to slow down, become present, and explore something that feels difficult.